Why “Death By Suicide” Is the Better Term (free issue)

Please don’t say “committed suicide” and other things to avoid

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Sensitive topic ahead.

I know, it seems like expressions and terms are constantly changing. It can be hard to keep track of the correct way to express ourselves sometimes. But it’s important to remember that language is a constantly evolving thing – it changes over time. I’d be willing to bet good money that some of your favorite sayings meant something different at one time. And when those sayings changed, people rolled their eyes and complained.

If you are someone who resists using new or different terminology for whatever reason, please take a moment to try to understand why the changes came to be. For example, why it’s important that you no longer say someone committed suicide but instead say that they died by suicide.

It’s Suicide Prevention Week in Canada and the U.S. – a time that reminds me every year about the brother I lost to suicide 18 years ago. Not that I need such a reminder. I hear his distinctively deep voice in a crowd now and then. Occasionally, I glimpse his longish curly blond hair out of the corner of my eye on a busy street corner. And I remember events – sometimes with a smile, sometimes with tears, even 18 years later.

Getting the news

I still remember that phone call. I was at home with just my just-turned-16-year-old daughter with me. I was chatting on the phone with a friend. I saw that someone was trying to call, a person I rarely heard from, so I told my friend I would call her back. It was the news that my 35-year-old brother had died. That in itself was shocking enough, but it was when I was told that he died by suicide that I fell apart. To this day, I feel bad for my daughter. She was strong and jumped into action to ensure I got the support I needed. But I can’t imagine how she felt seeing her mother like that.

The next day, I had to go to the pharmacy, and as I stood at the cash to pay for my items, the older man in front of me in line turned to me and said something to the effect of, “C’mon dear, smile a bit. It can’t be that bad!” Let’s say he’s unlikely ever to say that to another woman he doesn’t know.

As I planned my brother’s funeral and went through what needed to be done, I became aware of how uncomfortable people were. Because he was so young, people wanted to know how he died. Had he been ill? Was there an accident? When I told them – there was usually silence. They didn’t know what to say.

Let me share what not to say

I understand being at a loss for words when faced with a tragedy. As a society, we are discouraged from speaking about sad things, like death. If we don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen, it isn’t happening, and it won’t happen. But death does happen. And there are definitely some things that are best left unsaid, like:

He committed suicide. You commit a crime. Yes, there was a time when suicide was considered a crime, but he didn’t commit one. This phrase continues to perpetuate the stigma associated with suicide, making it harder for those left behind. My brother was in serious mental pain from which he felt there was no other way out. Whether that was right or wrong, that is how he saw his options. He died by suicide.

He was a coward and he took the easy way out. Oh my, how these hurt. People who die by suicide because they are so desperate are not cowards. They are not taking the easy way out. And what haunts me to this day and likely always will – did he panic, change his mind in those final seconds?

He's in a better place or he is no longer in pain. It may be your belief, but it may not be mine or someone else’s. If you want to believe that, go ahead. But don’t press that belief on someone else.

I know how you feel (unless you, too, lost someone you loved to suicide). The pain and emotions related to losing someone to suicide are unlike those of losing someone to any other type of death. The questions, the guilt, the what-ifs are beyond explanation. My brain knows I couldn’t have protected my little brother. My heart argues with my brain regularly. After all, that’s what big sisters do, right? They protect. Even if you did lose someone very close to you recently, be it to cancer, a heart attack, or even an accident – you don’t know how I feel. Suicide is such a different beast.

Don’t ask how he took his life. The only thing worse than having someone say those things above is to have them ask how he did it. How does how he died matter so much that you want me to relive that in my mind?

So, then, what can you say?

There is so much you can say to someone who is newly grieving or even 18 years later when the topic comes up and the pain rears its ugly head. This includes, “I don’t know what to say.” Because that is honest and it’s sharing that you want to say something, but you don’t want to say the wrong thing.

I’m sorry. These are very simple words, but they have meaning.

I’m here for you. Again, it’s very simple, but please only say it if it’s true. My friends were so great. My best friend helped me organize the funeral – she even came with me to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Others I called to cry or talk about how, why, and could I have done anything? They were there for me. And, even now, when things get tough, they are again.

I’m thinking of you. It’s nice to know that I was in someone’s thoughts.

I remember…. Share some good, happy memories if you knew the person who died. I remember my sister, who was closer in age to him, telling me something about what our brother did when he was a young teen that defied authority but was hysterically funny in retrospect. I still smile when I think of that stunt as she told it to me.

If you are the one in pain, get the help you deserve

If you find yourself in a place where you are thinking about suicide, that it is your only option, please seek help. I know. It’s not easy. You’re feeling vulnerable as it is. To reach out is hard. It might be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. But as someone who has lost a brother to suicide, I beg you to try.

In the United States, you can call or text 988. It is the national Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You can learn more on the SAMHSA page.

In Canada, you can call the Talk Suicide Canada hotline at 1-833-456-4566. Residents of Quebec are encouraged to call 1-866-APPELLE (1-866-277-3553). Canadians should have access to a 988 number, like the U.S. by the end of 2023. I’ll post a new newsletter issue when that happens.

You can also call 9-1-1 because suicidal ideation, thoughts of wanting to take your life, is an emergency.

If you know someone who you feel might be considering suicide - ask them about it. You will not put the idea in their head and you could save a life. My daughter’s friend did that when she saw the signs in a college student she worked with. I was so very proud of her when she told me what she did.

Decipher Your Health co-founder, Karin Molander, MD, wrote this blog post for the site, if you’d like to read more: Suicide Prevention: Everyone Can Learn How to Help.

Let’s get a conversation going everywhere. Suicide is not a topic to be hidden or whispered about. It needs to be in the open, so we can save lives.

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