I read something interesting the other day. A woman, a mother of five daughters, made a TikTok video about how she was not teaching her children that they needed to be concerned about virginity. Her video was in response to an earlier one when a mom proudly spoke of her “old fashioned” husband, who threatened to physically harm their daughter’s new boyfriend if he took their daughter’s virginity. (Wait. What? His daughter can’t choose what she does with her body?)
There have been many social media memes over the years about fathers of daughters threatening harm to men. There are T-shirts with lists that say things like, “A message to my daughter’s boyfriend: I have a gun and I’m not afraid to use it.” Others include:
I don’t mind going back to jail
If you hurt her, I will hurt you
Get a lawyer
I can make you disappear
(To be fair, there are lists “written” by moms of sons too. They have some similar themes, like “if you lie, I will find out,” but there are rarely things that threaten physical violence or refer to sexuality.)
So, what does this all have to do with health? A lot. But first, we need to understand secrecy and sexuality.
Virginity is a social construct
Somewhere along the line, society decided it was ok for men to have sex whenever they wanted as soon as they were physically capable. Teens and men were (and often still are) celebrated for their “conquests.” Just look at Nick Cannon having 12 children with 6 women. We know that it wouldn’t be the same if it was someone named Nicole Cannon having 12 children with 6 men.
If a woman had sex before that marriage, she brought shame to the family.
Looking at photos of naked women, going to strip bars, watching porn – that was all part of being a man. I’m not saying that all men did these things; many didn’t. But the idea was that it was ok if they wanted to. Porn magazines were sold on racks, not far from Good Housekeeping and Teen Magazine. Even worse, sexual assault was considered a “boys will be boys thing,” and “men had their needs.”
Women, on the other hand, were not allowed to even think about sex. Women should only have one sexual partner, and it should only be once they took part in another social construct: marriage. This is one reason there was such a pushback on birth control before it became widely available. If women had access to birth control, there was nothing more to stop them from having sex.
If a woman was defiled (in other words, had sex before that marriage), she brought shame to the family. Even if she was raped. So to keep her safe and pure, her body became the property of her parents or guardians. They had to guard and protect their charge from anything that might bring shame. Her body was not hers to do with what she wanted. It had to remain pure, physically and mentally, or she would not be proper, acceptable, or wanted.
But it’s 2023, you say. Those ideas aren’t as common anymore. The problem is that while they might not be as common anymore, they are still present. We also can’t ignore that in some parts of the world, premarital or extramarital sex could cost a woman her life.
Women still had and continue to have sex
Despite the taboo and the shaming, women still had sex before marriage. But it had to be done in secret, and this is where the health issues come in. Females who aren’t taught about sex, the act, and the results, are at a considerable disadvantage regarding their health and wellness.
“More than 9 million women in the United States are diagnosed with an STI each year.”
If a woman is not taught about sex, she can’t know she can contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI), like syphilis or HIV. Did you know that the number of people contracting STIs in the United States, specifically chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, is so high that in 2021, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) called it an epidemic?
The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services; Office on Women’s Health says on its site:
“More than 9 million women in the United States are diagnosed with an STI each year. Women often have more serious health problems from STIs than men, including infertility.”
So if a woman doesn’t know she can get such an infection, she likely won’t protect herself from exposure. If she develops signs and symptoms of an infection, she may not realize what they are. Or if she does know, she may not get help because she can’t tell anyone she has been having sex. After all, she broke the rules.
And then there’s the pregnancy issue. Many teens will have sex no matter if they’re told abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy or for whom birth control is out of reach because they can’t ask for it. The result? The U.S. has the highest teen pregnancy rates in the so-called western industrial world.
Not all teen pregnancies result in difficult outcomes. But the odds are stacked against these young mothers socially and health-wise. Throw in the ever-increasing abortion bans, it will only get worse. Socially, these young mothers historically end up with lower education levels, leading to under-employment and low incomes. These are known barriers to good health outcomes throughout life.
Health issues directly related to the pregnancy can affect both mother and baby, especially if the teen has tried to hide her pregnancy as long as possible and didn’t get prenatal care.
For the mother, there is a higher risk of :
Anemia (not enough iron in the blood)
Hypertension (high blood pressure), which could lead to a potentially fatal complication called preeclampsia
Preterm birth (premature birth)
Baby’s head being too large to pass through the pelvic opening
Infant mortality (death)
For babies, premature birth and low birth weight could lead to other health complications that could affect them for the rest of their lives.
No sex, but look around
People accuse drag queens and others they deem different of sexualizing their children. Yet, they are ok with images of scantily clad NFL cheerleaders, or worse, these child beauty pageant photos. Talk about mixed messages. “You are not allowed to have sex until you are married. Don’t even think about it.” But, “make yourself as attractive and sexy as possible” so people will like you and want to be with you. Just don’t let the boys have sex with you.
“…sexualizing girls was harmful to their mental health across several domains…”
And this is where mental health comes in. Girls and teens who are sexually abused by family members or friends have no one to turn to – because they may not realize what is happening is wrong, or they know they can’t talk about it to anyone. Sexual assault? Date rape? The same thing. Can’t talk about it. After all, sex is shameful and it must be their fault. This can lead to mental health issues not only at that time but for the rest of their lives.
Still, girls don’t have to be sexually assaulted for them to experience negative mental health effects. From a very young age, girls are exposed to the “ideal” body to be pretty, accepted, and – yes – sexy. But so few can meet those ideals.
In 2007, the American Psychological Association formed the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls, which produced a report finding that sexualizing girls was harmful to their mental health across several domains and can lead to eating disorders, depression, and more.
In their executive report, the authors wrote about sexualization in media:
“In study after study, findings have indicated that women more often than men are portrayed in a sexual manner (e.g., dressed in revealing clothing, with bodily postures or facial expressions that imply sexual readiness) and are objectified (e.g., used as a decorative object, or as body parts rather than a whole person). In addition, a narrow (and unrealistic) standard of physical beauty is heavily emphasized. These are the models of femininity presented for young girls to study and emulate.”
And once again, we have to look at the societal implications of sexualization. If a woman is sexually assaulted, many people want to know what she was wearing and how she behaved. Wearing sexy clothes? She must have wanted it, right? If not, she didn’t do a lot to prevent it, right?
One last point
What about the girls and women who are lesbians, non-binary, or transgender? What are these sex-related messages telling them? I will explore this in a future newsletter issue because I think it deserves more time than I can give to this already lengthy one. But surely, the messages society has around sex and women cannot be helpful to anyone outside the socially acceptable mainstream.
What do you think? Leave your comments below. Let’s get a conversation going.
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Corollary; many men have internalized that their value is related to how much sex/power over women they can obtain. Not good for anyone.
Well said Marijke! As you said, it is a long conversation, that will never be over, but very important to talk about. It is this ever promoted Puritanism that refuses to go away and is a tiresome propaganda tool used to disrespect women in all societies. As nurses, we have a duty to bring up this topic and teach patients to speak up and out about it. We are on the edge here in the US of either electing a president who is a womanizer, authoritarian fascist, or one who respects women and can help